5-6ay istifade olunub hec1prablemi yoxdur..marka HP qiymet 40azn#yu#
“But how did I know that Vanguard and Prefect were right and I was wrong? If my past and my reaction to it existed only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable–as Vanguard said, what then?
Freedom is the freedom to say that Vanguard makes the rules and can change reality.
Yet life outside NXIVM bore no resemblance not only to the lies that Vanguard told but even to the ideals of the mission. But there was hope. It lay in the curriculum. I had to cling to that. When I put it in words it sounded reasonable: when I looked at other Espians in the intensives it became an act of faith.
Within twenty years, Vanguard had created this enormous body of teachings and thousands of followers whose lives were changed for the better. But when I reflected, I had a huge and simple question: ‘Was my life better before NXIVM than now?’ For me it was unanswerable.
I remember useless things, a quarrel with my coach, a credit card charge for an intensive that was rejected, the expression on Prefect’s face, the swirls of dust on a windy morning, when after a cold shower I went out in the cold to run when I did not want to run.
But all the relevant facts were outside the range of my vision. I was a slave.
I was like the ant, which can see small objects but not large ones. And when memory failed, the exploration of meaning was the record of my past and what happened. The claim of NXIVM to have improved the conditions of my life was accepted, because there did not exist, and never again could exist, any standard against which it could be tested.
It did not matter if he killed my conscience. I lied for him a hundred times. To have my conscience killed was what I expected. Vanguard was the keeper of my conscience.
There was exploration of meaning: the bowing and handshakes; the dieting, the wakening at night, the ending of the menstrual cycle and for me the loss of clots of hair. Why did I endure it?
When once I succumbed to exploration of meaning, it was certain that by a given date I would be integrated. Why then did that horror, which altered nothing, terrorize me in the morning?”