Sometimes I feel like my meat suit sucks... Why does my brain chemistry lend itself to me having a tendency to become guarded and closed off to people? That behavior only causes people to turn away, which fulfills my inner worry (that they will leave eventually anyway). 😩
I know exactly what’s going on.. and I work hard to fix it. The problem is... when you have been hurt many times, your brain learns patterns and ego defenses. Your response is often to develop defense mechanisms to protect yourself from danger (people). When you have been traumatized many times, your brain actually changes in shape, size, and structure. 🧠
Since I can’t see my brain, it is hard for me to understand all of the changes that my meat suit has undergone from my years on this Earth. I can look at scars on the outer portion of my body and see how I have endured physical trauma. But I cannot observe or measure the mental and emotional trauma that I have experienced because it exists in my neurons and tissues. I can tell this has happened to me because of my knowledge of human behavior and neurobiology, but still, I can not see it. 👁
Sometimes I wish I could have my old brain back. The one that was open to love. The one that didn’t cycle back to fear and panic sometimes. But it’s not my reality so I can only accept what I have and work with that. My strength is that I am aware of it. Awareness is key. Nothing can be changed or corrected without awareness. So each day, I have to try to remember to just “be,” breathe, and live in this very moment. Holding on to the past only leads me to having regrets. Trying to see into the future can lead to me having anxiety and fears. I have found that living in the moment is the best way to honor myself and my journey. Just breathe. 🌬
“There’s only now. There’s only here. Begin to love or live in fear. No other path. No other way. No day but today.”
#Dam#DamnGirl#JustBreathe#MomentByMoment#Mindfulness #Damn #Friday#Craig#ByeFelicia#Brain#Neurobiology#MeatSuit#Body#Cells#Neurons#Trauma#Pain#Rent#Regrets#Fears#Healing#Today#AnotherDay#Mimi#SpiritualMemes#Witchy#HigherSelf#Memes#Blocked
Today I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the stories I've heard through the years of people surviving their #narcissistic families, #psychopathic exes, and overall #toxicinsecurity. There is always a lot of anger but few people are actually able to walk away and let the person energetically go.
We know we all deserve better but until someone shows up in your life and shows you what better is, it can be hard to #heal from these experiences. Today I'm grateful to all those people who have shown up for me 😊
It's hard to accept the lessons these situations provide - that we must rise above and reclaim our voices. We must rise to choose #lov#love even if that is not what was given to us.
For all those people struggling with #familydrama this weekend, remember that you really do have a choice in how you spend your weekend. That may mean being honest with how much time you need to yourself to do something you #love.
Nurture yourselves this weekend and should you find yourself alone, reach out and help someone else. Not everyone is brave enough to follow their own journey.
Happy Passover and Happy Easter to everyone and may you choose to spend time with people who inspire you everyday and may you walk away from those people who would rather dim your light than to see it shine brightly. 💕
I keep having these nightmares.
(CW: emotional trauma?) They all involve my mother. My worst nightmares are always me trying to get away from her. The great laugh about it all is that I have. The woman who raised me went by a different name and had different resources and no help and so much unhealed trauma that the very best she could do for my sibling and I was well intentioned and so, so damaging.
I am still mad at her. But she does not exist.
The woman who exists is still trying her hardest. But she's gotten medicine and resources and therapy. She no longer lives at risk for utilities being cut off. She no longer fears drug dealers coming to kill us in the middle of the night. Our entire worlds have changed in the last 30 years. But the memories still live inside me. The fears. The screams. I can still hear them, sometimes. When I allow myself to remember, I remember in my cells, in my eardrums, in my shaking shoulders and my throat closing tight even as I start to retch.
There is no exact reason why these memories are coming up. There is no inciting moment. It is just that those of us who experienced extreme trauma, especially who had it most of our lives before we accessed help, will spend most of our lives healing from it in various ways once the help arrives.
I want to tell you it's not like that. But the best science I know says we go through development until we die, and each new stage demands a reconciliation for what came before it.
And so I give myself compassion for enduring the pain and therapy to make sure I no longer replicate it.
Lately I've been remembering all new things from my childhood and adolescence. So many stories that were too horrifying to live, much less tell.
I wake up in awe of the little girl who survived so much.
I remind myself I'll probably soon be older, in awe of this version of me.
I try to take that as a reminder to be in awe of her now.