I will disappear without warning, without a fucking trace. Years from now, you’ll be at a gelato stand in Florence and you’ll see someone you think might be me wearing white linen and multiple silk scarves. I’ll wink at you knowingly.
PLEASE TURN THE VOLUME ALL THE WAY UP. THIS VIDEO OF OPRAH AT A PHOTOSHOOT IS ME ON THE TINIEST BIT OF DESIGNER DRUGS.
Chrissy Teigen is a national fucking treasure, she should live in the Smithsonian Museum.
CHARLIE SHEEN’S RAGING RELENTLESS COCAINE PROBLEM WAS HEADLINE NEWS (tw: @gsheffr)
TODAY IS THE 10,935TH CONSECUTIVE DAY THAT I HAVEN’T USED FUCKING ALGEBRA
The last time I saw the Google maps car driving towards me I spazzed out and started pretending to aggressively masturbate and was immediately ashamed of myself.
HE FARTS IN THE BATHTUB AND TRIES TO BITE THE BUBBLES
VOLUME WAY ⬆️⬆️. In my entire life I have never connected with a human on a deeper level than a husky 9 year old who is fucking PISSED that he isn’t going to Hooters.
AND I’LL LET YOU FUCKING MANIACS VOTE TO DECIDE WHICH MEME. AND I’LL DO IT ON IG LIVE. SAD JORDAN, HARAMBE SUCKING OFF SALT BAE, DAT BOi, DOGGO PUPPER, KERMIT TALKING TO DARTH KERMIT, CONCERNED BLACK GUY ON THE PHONE, THE BLUE/ GOLD DRESS, SAD KEANU REEVES, WHAT THE FUCK EVERRRRR YOU WANT
YOU’RE A GHOST DRIVING A MEAT COVERED SKELETON ON A ROCK HURLING THROUGH OUTER SPACE, YOU’RE DOING GREAT, YOU’LL FIGURE IT ALL OUT.
If I had a father-in-law, I’d 100% prefer to eat pasta strained through his underpants after a stressful day of work than run a 5K with him.
ARE PEOPLE WORKING? NOT WORKING? I’M DRUNK AT NOON. ATE COOKIES FOR BREAKFAST. THIS TIME OF YEAR IS SO FUCKING CONFUSING. (tw: @benoo_brown)